it’s been almost 10 days since my last glance at this blog. i’ve been feeling uninspired. and tired. the sagittarius in me is always looking for change and the claustrophobic feeling i get comes too often. when i’m feeling claustrophobic i can’t concentrate. it’s hard to function. i need something new. more than simply re-arranging the furniture which i have done countless times in the last few months.
i daydream about the past when i had no responsibility to anyone other than me. i wish for a one bedroom apartment with street noise and drafty windows, trips to the store whenever i want and a cart full of things only i need. music in my car stereo solely for my own listening pleasure, and silence.
those days felt lonely and never in my wildest dreams did i think someday i would long for them. i was so emotionally isolated and could feel lonely in a crowd of friends. those days were filled with wanting desperately to find someone i could share every moment with. someone who could know me to my core. that feeling now seems childish and desperate. a bit selfish. a loneliness completely created from fear of the exact thing i thought i wanted. these days, years later, that lonely and fearful feeling has homogenized and became an unnoticeable, well blended, part of me. it doesn’t haunt me now like it did. while i do think it would be nice to be understood and appreciated i have no desire anymore to be so engulfed and entwined where there is no sense of where one begins and the other ends. i don’t need or desire a better half. i don’t feel the need or desire to find someone to whom i can utter the words “you complete me”. side by side would be fine. with elbow room of course.