10 days

it’s been almost 10 days since my last glance at this blog. i’ve been feeling uninspired. and tired. the sagittarius in me is always looking for change and the claustrophobic feeling i get comes too often. when i’m feeling claustrophobic i can’t concentrate. it’s hard to function. i need something new. more than simply re-arranging the furniture which i have done countless times in the last few months.

i daydream about the past when i had no responsibility to anyone other than me. i wish for a one bedroom apartment with street noise and drafty windows, trips to the store whenever i want and a cart full of things only i need. music in my car stereo solely for my own listening pleasure, and silence.

those days felt lonely and never in my wildest dreams did i think someday i would long for them. i was so emotionally isolated and could feel lonely in a crowd of friends. those days were filled with wanting desperately to find someone i could share every moment with. someone who could know me to my core. that feeling now seems childish and desperate. a bit selfish. a loneliness completely created from fear of the exact thing i thought i wanted. these days, years later, that lonely and fearful feeling has homogenized and became an unnoticeable, well blended, part of me. it doesn’t haunt me now like it did. while i do think it would be nice to be understood and appreciated i have no desire anymore to be so engulfed and entwined where there is no sense of where one begins and the other ends. i don’t need or desire a better half. i don’t feel the need or desire to find someone to whom i can utter the words “you complete me”. side by side would be fine. with elbow room of course.


About halftalkingtoherself

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One Response to 10 days

  1. Brittney says:

    You touched on so many emotions and situations that I have found myself in. Some of them I was sure no one would understand. No one seems to get it when I say, “I’m feeling claustrophobic in my own body. I want to rip my skin off.” Little good that would do, as I would just be skinless and claustrophobic then.

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